TARZAN MALAYA

tarzan pun melalak
wooooooooooooo....woooooooooooooooooooo.

menderu2 binatang lintang pukang
masuk mengadap tarzan yang walang
lalu mereka bertanya kisah
apa gerangan kami merapat sembah.

tarzan jawab aku frust menonggeng
hari2 tengok hangpa sampai naik boring
asyik2 babi keldai biawak ular n anjing
tak de ke menatang lain yg lebih interesting
mukanya cun, pakaiannya daring
bolehle aku panggil dia darling.

dalam reramai anjing pun berkata
jan..... nak anak dara atau mak janda
tarzan menjawab tu aku tak kira
yang penting boleh bergurau senda.

anjing tanya ... jan, betulke nak cari ganti
apa pula kata nuri dan din
tarzan jawab itu pandai2 la aku nanti
maka tarzan pun dijodohkan dengan jeanne.

A PROMISE

i remember talking to my father in the darkness of the porch one fine night. he told me, son, family is the most valuable asset in life. friends come and go, you meet new people, befriend them and your circle of friends grows bigger. but blood brothers and sisters remain the same.

he told me whatever happens, remain true and unite as a family. no money in the world could buy the happiness of a united, loving and caring family. look after your younger siblings, they are the future and take good care of yourself. respect your elder brother and sister.

well, his concern is understandable. see, the 3 of us were born by our beloved mama. while the 5 others were born by emak, a woman i truly respect and love. but deep down, i do not treat the younger ones as my step brothers and sisters. i love them all as though we share and came from the same womb.

abah then said, son, promise me that and i will die happily.

well, abah.. a promise has been made and i tend to honor that promise no matter what happens. must i fail you, forgive me abah...... i am only human.

TALK COCK ONLY

there was a time, when i was wasting my time while doing my degree course at itm. i spent almost every night till the wee hours with a dear friend of mine. we were the experts in all sort of fields, be it economics, politics, sports, music .... you just name it. we would say this, commented that, tried to come up with solutions, criticized everything, on and on ... we belong to the superior specie mind you. we felt that we can change the world and bring about a whole new thinking and civilization. it was ok then to sleep late and skipped your morning classes, all in the name of saving mankind. if we did not do it, who else would be the saviour?

well 13 years have passed. physically, i'm still the old me. the rage is still there, the confusion, the anxiety, the anger, the frustration bla bla. but i guess being older helps me to be less critical of my surrounding. it does not affect anything anyway, globally or domestically. i was never the super hero that came to people's rescue when they were in dire need. i was just a teenager who liked to ramble on and on about other people's faults without giving much thoughts about my own flaws.

the world will end and so is my precious life. i cannot change the world but i do sincerely hope that these worldly affairs would not change me as well.

"my son. ask for thyself another kingdom, for that which i left is to small for thee" - alexander the great, iron maiden.

i am no alexander and i won't even come close to his attributes and achievements. the world is yours, so handle it with care. as for me, i talk cock only.

SABAR

p ramlee dulu suka benar frasa ni "sabar tu separuh dari iman". arwah bapak gua pulak selalu pesankan gua, sabar dalam setiap perbuatan. gua dulu memang bengken punya kaki, mana tau nak sabar2 ni. dalam kamus gua, lagi cepat lagi bagus. arwah bapak gua selalu jugak tegur gua. dia akan cakap sabar itu perlu, ubat kepada hati yang baran dan ibu kepada pintu rezeki. sampai ke bab tu, gua angkat tangan. isu2 rohaniah ni (walaupun gua jahil), gua tak nak lawan.

nampaknya arwah bapak gua memang seorang yang bijak.

dengan kesabaran, gua nampak banyak jalan nak dituju. dengan kesabaran jugak, gua faham dan tahu bahawa gua hanyalah antara jutaan umat manusia yang meminta2, mengharap2 dan memohon2 pada yang ESA. layakkah gua mendapat apa yg gua inginkan kalau gua tak sabar menanti? atau gua lakukan sesuatu tanpa kesabaran?

"maka berpesan-pesanlah kamu pada kebenaran dan berpesan-pesanlah kamu dengan kesabaran" - a lose translation from the actual verse.

GRATEFUL

as i was growing up, my late abah used to tell me this:- be grateful. it is a virtue and not a show of a weakness.

i didn't really understand what he meant nor did i fully apprehend its underlying concept. as i grew bigger, i realized that there are things in life that are not meant for me. there are things that would come to me later rather than sooner. there are things that i crave and strive for but when they are mine, i realized i don't actually need them.

well, grateful will teach you to be thankful for the things that you have, for the things that you want to have and for the things that you won't have.

this brings me to a dilemma. i used to have a leader who proudly said that malays are ungrateful lot. they bite the hands that feed them. bollocks! this bugger must be out of his mind. if you have been a good father, no sons/daughters would fight against you. but when you erred, they will of course tell you that you have done wrong. what is wrong with that, anyway?

LAZY ARE WE ... NOT?

are we, the malays, a bunch of lazy lot? as i tend to believe being a conspiracy expert myself, i blame it on the british (bastards). for years, through a systematic scheme, they cultivated stories and myths about us as being lazy. it was only one of the reasons to bring in the chinese and indians into the federated states as cheap labours. as malays, we were too good to be toiling in the mines and estates to enrich the british (bastards).

if we were that lazy, then please explain how malacca became one of the busiest and biggest port in south east asia at the material time? perhaps they can enlighten me as to how lazy people managed to entice the arabs and chinese merchants to our shores? history beckon that the portuguese did not capture malacca easily. how on earth did the lazy malays manage to withstand the onslaught of the mighty "benggali puteh"?

as i see it, we are not lazy. on the contrary, we are enterprising people with vision. to call us lazy is like labelling the brazilian football team as "kaki bangkus".

i dare those imperialist bastards to prove me wrong.

BENANG YANG BASAH

kau patut pegi sembahyang subuh secara berjemaah di surau, itu undang2 sekolah asrama. undang2 allah pula, subuh itu salah-satu solat wajib dalam sehari. tapi disebabkan malam tadi kau bersengkang mata menjadi kutu embun, sudah tentu menjadi suatu kesusahan untuk bangun sebelum subuh. maka datanglah warden dgn pembesar suaranya "makuk anto.... bangun...bangun.... semayan' subuh". tentulah kau berasa marah mendengar suara sengau tersebut mengganggu kedamaian lena kau. si warden pulak sudah tentu marah kerana ramai pelajarnya yg gagal, enggan dan/atau cuai utk bangun mengerjakan subuh dan meninggalkan kewajipan mereka mengerjakan solat yang 5.

bertempatkah marah kau? inikah yang dikatakan menegakkan benang yang basah?

APA NAK JADI

di pasar, harga barangan semua tinggi. apa???? sini negara semua mesti mau tinggi ka??? menara, kadar kemalangan, kadar jenayah, penghisap dada (bodo punya samy)... dara (sekali lagi, bodo punya samy) h juga banyak tinggi. mau cakap sama minteri, dia sibuk jaga kerusi. hari2 kepala pusing, pasai rakyat sudah bising.

saya tanya diri sendiri. apa pasai jadik mcm ni. dulu kunonnya apa nama... ada visi. sekarang saya ingat sudah basi. semua mesti wang mau kasi.

tarak wang lu boleh jalan. suma orang mau carik makan. hidup kita lu jgn tekan. perangai lu serupa setan. pekena org bukan2. tak larat saya mau tahan. kepala hari2 banyak hairan. sama diri sendrik saya sangat kasihan. diperbodoh org yg ingat dia tuhan.

saya sembang banyak kuat. pasai hati dalam sgt meluat. hei mamat! lu jgn perasan lu masih kuat. muka lu memang muka jahat. orang maki jauh dekat. idea lu mana lu angkat? tak pernah org lain buat. lu think lu very smart?

tula, dari dulu aku dah kata. hangpa semua tak mau percaya. lani dah ada depan mata. baru jenuh dok hantuk kepala. ai, takkan masih tak percaya? buah cempedak dah jadik nangka. monyet rupa2nya ungka. ish, punggah binasa.

lani semua kancing gigi. kaki tak larat berdiri. senyumpun dah basi. masam setiap hari. gelabah sampai pucat lesi. mulut langsung terkunci. apa dah jadi? apa nak jadi? sampai sekarang tak ubah2 lagi..... apa nak jadiiii........

BOLEHLAND - Part 1

there was once a kingdom in the far east, hailed as the greatest of them all and known as the BOLEHLAND. at its helm, sat proudly a king simply known as PM (Punda Mar). PM wanted to be remembered and glorified forever in the history of BOLEHLAND. hence, he summoned all his moronic ministers to his palace and decreed a new policy called BEE SEE AYE. being stupid assholes as they were, noone seemed to have an inkling of this new policy but noone dared to ask. finally, after a maddening bickering, money politicking (the only time they used money not to be voted) and back stabbing, they appointed a black sheep to ask PM the dreaded question. this is how the conversation took place (in translation) :-

BS : dato sri, saiya tanya sket ada boley?

PM : apa mo tanya anei

BS : sumua worang ada sket pening, belakang suruh saya kasi tanya dato sri.

PM : tanya la cepat, saya busy ni

BS : bukan apa dato sri, kita sumua tarak paham apa itu Bee Sii Yei, kasi terang sket ada boleh ka

PM : ayoyo, itu pun tarak tau. sini mari, saya kasi cerita. mula2 lu kasi bersih semua projek ini negeri dalam. angkat kasi lu punya bapak punya emak, adik beradik and kawan2 la. apa ada, semua lu sapu, jgn tinggal apa2 anei. belakang projek sudah jalan, lu make sure itu semua org ada amanah. wang sudah masuk kena kasi komisyen sama kita. sapa pecah amanah, blacklist and kasi susah. finally, bikin kerja mesti cekap. jgn sampai apa nama.... kena tangkap.

BS : banyak terima kasey dato sri, skarang juga saiya kasi tau sumua worang.

so the policy went full steam ahead. all ministers were happy now that their pockets are loaded and heavy. welcome to the BOLEHLAND.

next the PM embarked on a daring project of industrialization. he set up JAWASTEEL, a company dealing with steel. pm seemed to forget that for centuries, the MALAS (native of the BOLEHLAND) only knew how to make keris, buku lima, mata lembing and alike stuff, they have never encountered an enormous project of that magnitude. JAWASTEEL encountered problems. so he went to see uncle enrique. uncle enrique made a miracle and JAWASTEEL was seen as making tons of profits, then, to the tune of david copperfield's magic, JAWASTEEL went kaput. PM also started a national car project and PERATON (perusahaan automobil negara) was born. he wanted the subjects to buy national cars at a cheaper price (hence lower quality of all sorts). he was very proud to unveil the first national car called PS. but hey, the subjects were not too happy as the mat sallehs were buying the same car but of higher quality at a comparatively, cheaper price. this is unfair. but what to do, this is the BOLEHLAND.

WHAT THE ....

i woke up this morning feeling extremely dumb
my whole body felt numb
i could not think but my belief was intact
i tried to interact
but nobody did react.

in my state of dumbness, i do believe
this government is moronic
full of senseless slogans that are archaic
planning for ideas that are rhetoric
i feel so sick!

democracy is dead
its just a noble word to a poet
justice is a mockery
treated like a whore by those whose power be
equality is a thing of the past
here they do nothing but kiss arse
our rich they plunder
to make their life even grandeur
the subjects are suffering
to them we are like flies buzzing.

what a pile of shit!

TAKUT

dalam dunia ni banyak benda yg kita takut. especially di zaman kanak2, kita selalu ditakutkan dengan cerita2 hantu. jangan main kat semak tu, nanti ada pontianak. jangan keluar malam2, nanti kena kacau langsuir. macam2 nama hantu disebut. benarkah hantu wujud? kalau kita takut hantu, adakah hantu juga takutkan kita?

berapa ramai antara kita yang dah pernah jumpa/terserempak/dikacau hantu?

masa aku di sekolah, kawan aku yang sangat nakal dah create suatu mitos baru. ada hantu puchong yang sedang mengamuk. akibatnya, ramai yang menjadi takut nak melepak malam selepas prep hours. in a way, bagus gak kerana kutu2 malam semua berkampung di dalam bilik masing2 excet for mereka yang lebih menakutkan daripada hantu (yg aku yakin kalau puchong tu jumpa, melompat dia cabut).

the point is, budaya menakut2kan dengan sesuatu yg sukar dilihat/digambarkan atau mungkin to a certain extent, tak wujud langsong mencipta suatu masyarakat yang penakut. rentikan budaya menakut2kan ini.